Rent to Buy Marriages

"Rent to Buy" Marriages

Renting in America is common when it comes to objects, like a suit for a wedding, a truck when you move houses, or even a movie to entertain your family for a night, but have you ever thought of marriage as something you would want to rent before you bought? 

Today we see many people convinced that the best way to prepare for marriage is to take their future spouse for a "test drive" before they purchase. The phenomenon I am referring to is called cohabitation. It involves two unmarried individuals who are in a relationship living together prior to being married. These cohabiting relationships often operate by certain rules, like living together and having sexual intercourse, but not combining finances or becoming fully dependent on one another. The goal in these relationships is to enjoy the benefits of living together without having to be committed fully to the other person. Although this model of "trying before you buy" might work for some, it is detrimental to others for several reasons. 

To illustrate one way cohabitation can be harmful to marriages and families, I will share a story from when I was young. From the age of 6 all the way until I turned 12 I would think about my birthdays. I loved getting to see my family, get a few presents and of course eat delicious cake. I looked forward to the cake for a few reasons, one the biggest being that every birthday I would get to blow out the candles and make a wish. Now, when I was young I completely trusted in my wishes and was always excited to get to make a wish, but I always spent my wish in the same way. From age 6 to age 12 I wished for just one thing, a dog! All I wanted was a puppy to play with and be my best friend. I remember the day that my family told me we were going to get a dog as clear as it was yesterday. My mom and dad were going to go to a farm to pick out our new puppy and we were told to wait at home. I was so excited to see the dog that I must have sat out on our driveway for hours just hoping to see the car turn the corner into our neighborhood. When I finally did see our car drive up to our house I was quite literally jumping up and down. Other then my parents, I was the first one to hold the new puppy and I was instantly in love. That dog did become my best friend and we did nearly everything together. Having a dog made my childhood that much better and I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Thankfully my story ended with happiness and joy, but what if it had ended differently. What if just a few months after having a dog my parents had decided to send the dog away to another family. Imagine that heartbreak that I would have had. Imagine the loneliness, confusion, and heartbreak of the dog. 

I share this story, as well as a less than joyful ending to share how quickly humans form relationships. Relationships are quite literally bonds that connect us. That is why after a harsh breakup people say it cuts so deep. When people join together in marriage they do so making a commitment to stay together, faithfully, for the rest of their lives. Cohabiting couples do not make the same commitment. They could leave the relationship anytime they wanted, but it would be more difficult as the two are both roommates and in a relationship. Although the "divorce" of a cohabiting couple might not be as bad as in a marriage, it still will leave deep lasting wounds. In fact that is the issue, if a cohabiting relationship does not lead to marriage then this is the only other alternative. 

A study done by researchers Anita Jose, K. Daniel O’ Leary, and Anne Moyer published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that despite popular belief, premarital cohabitation is generally associated with negative outcomes both in terms of marital quality and marital stability in the United States.

Some things are better to simply buy instead of renting. A wedding ring and a new spouse is one of those things because commitment matters and it can not be found in the same amount as in a cohabiting relationship.